My Nanny passed away.....

Ratnamma - a frail, bent over, ethereally simple lady, was one of the biggest influences in my early childhood - passed away last year and I just got to know

She was brought it into the family as my Mom used to work at the time. For the first nine years of my life, she patiently took care of my every need - patient is the word - I have never ever known her to have been angry, even exasperated - and I know I can be very very exasperating.

She was a kind, mother Teresa type person. For a long time, I never knew she was employed at our place - I assumed she was a family member...in fact, now that I think of it  - SHE WAS. Never one of harsh disposition, she had a body to match - very small, thin and extremely frail, she looked many many years older than she actually was.......one of my fondest memories was once, like a typically spoilt brat, I picked up some Kannada expletive from the street and was merrily mumbling it at home.....she gently took me aside (there was no one at home, yet she took me aside.....thats how gentle she was..!) and informed that the language I was using was not becoming of a gentleman......clearly I was far from being a gentleman at the time and I distinctly remember I went on and on with the same crap for over two hours......and everytime I mentioned the offending word/s - with not a hint of exasperation, she would look at me and say that is not correct...! - and this is just a small, insignificant vignette....there are so many, unsaid, un noticed, little things that she would have done over those nine years that I cant even express my thanks and gratitude for.

She was poor, she needed help and she considered me her own kid......she would write letters very often - letters that went un-answered. She was out of work for a while and I wasnt around to support, help and provide help - when I was earning - earning in one month more than she had over those nine years.....still she cared not, she sent her letters relentlessly.....then the letters slowed down - she was getting on in age, she had found a new HOME - where they treated her with love, respect and warmth. 

Last December (I just got to know) she passed away from cervical cancer......only when I heard the news - did it hit me......we take our own for granted, so much that we dont even express our gratitude, our love, regard and respect for them.....I feel a sense of immense loss that I cannot share with anyone else....I feel a sense of utter shame that I cannot share and must carry the burden of....I feel so dissapointed in myself - I always assumed she knew I cared, I always assumed I would make up for all those years of no show.....I always assumed she would be around forever and that I would find time.......I was wrong. 

In her memory, I will try to reach out to my own more often, tell them and make them aware I;m around more often. In her memory, I'll try to become a softer, more patient person....In her memory, I'll do some quiet hard work, with none noticing just like she did for nine tough, uncompromising years......

I hope, I pray, I wish she found her peace.....I will forever be indebted....goodbye maami.